"I'm Gonna Make Him an Offer He Can't Refuse."

James: Do we have a deal?

Me: Yeah, I guess...but I think I'm getting the crap end of the stick here.

James: Shouldn't have let me catch you slipping.

Me: Fine! I'll sneak you an extra cookie everyday if you promise not tell anyone, ever.

James: And?

Me: And I promise that I will also squeeze a little chocolate in your milk cup every morning.

James: That's right! "Wonka" it up! Holla!

Me: You know, I could just tell everyone. And then you wouldn't get anything.

James: But you won't.

Me: Where did you learn to blackmail, anyway?

James: It's not blackmail. It's intense, one-sided negotiating. Anyway, where did you learn the Team Umizoomi theme song and why were you creating a special dance for it in the mirror?

Me: Maybe you should learn to knock first. And then we wouldn't find ourselves in this little situation...

James: Whatever...Where's my cookie?

Fun With Numbers!

James:...Okay, carry the 7...and divide by...

Me: What are you working on?

James: Just finishing some statistics.

Me: Statistics? About what?

James: Just odd things that I've noticed.

Me: Such as?

James: Such as....Were you aware that 73.23% of your day at home is spent with a talking animal of some sort on the TV?

Me: Really?

James: Yep. And also that 4 out of 7 of my nap times are actually spent awake, making shadow puppets on the wall that resemble various objects that share the shape of an arm? Like a snake or an eel or the Washington monument or an arm....

Me: What?

James: Oh, here's a fun one! 26.29% of the people that meet you think that you smell like rice pudding.

Me: I can't remember the last time I even had rice pudding!

James: Hmmm. I would definitely check into that...And 33.33% of your children don't think you're funny....

Me: Who?

James: I'm just reporting the facts...This one is fairly odd. When asked, the average baby in this house would rather eat a dead skunk's back thigh than to ever eat that stuff you try to pass off as tuna noodle casserole...(mouthing words) It's really bad...

Me: That's weird. Your mom says it's bad too...

James: How interesting! Because I have also learned that 97.87% of the time, Mom is right and you are wrong.

Me: Well, here's a statistic for you, Baby Einstein. 50% of the people in this room have poop in their pants.

James: ...That's just mean....

After Breakfast

James: Hey, Dad! Hey! Hey, Dad! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Me: What?

James: Hey, Dad, I was just thinking - Hey, look, at my hands! There are two of them! Hey, Dad, I was thinking that we should go take this dining room table outside! So you should help me! I Dont know why, I just think it would look great out there!

Me: What are you talking about?

James: I can spin around in circles! Watch this! Ooh! Let's take all the toys from this box and change them with the toys in that box. I can dance like John Travolta in "Grease!" I’m going upstairs! Wait, no! First, I need to take all the pillows from the living room into the kitchen. I’m going to build a kitchen, pillow fort! We can eat lunch in it and keep the penguins away!

Me: I think glazed donuts for breakfast was a bad idea...

James: Is that why my skull is vibrating? Oh, well! These clothes aren't going to unfold themselves! I’m really a super hero named "Bumblebee Dynamite Boy!" and my power is jumping off of coffee tables. Watch!

Me: Oh, boy....

Singing Time

James: Hemmingway, Woodstock, Sputnik!

Me: What?

 James: …Eisenhower, Watergate, Reagonomics!

Me: Are you drunk?

James: No, I'm rehearsing and you're breaking my concentration, thank you very much.

Me: Rehearsing for what?

James: For Kidz Bop!

Me: You mean those CD's where kids are singing pop songs?

James: "Ho Chi Mihn, Budapest, Marilyn Monroe!" - Yes, old man. I'm surprised you know what that is. After all, you're not the coolest popsicle in the freezer

Me: Yeah, probably...So, what song are you practicing?

James: I'm trying to get the lyrics down for a delightful little ditty I heard the other day in Mom's car: "We Didn't Start the Fire" by a one Mr. Billy Joel. I'm sure you've never heard of it, as it is popular with the "Kidz."

Me: "Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnnie Ray
South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio

Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television
North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe

Rosenbergs, H-Bomb, Sugar Ray, Panmunjom
Brando, "The King and I", and "The Catcher in the Rye"

Eisenhower, vaccine, England's got a new queen Marciano, Liberace, Santayana goodbye"

James: Really?

Me: Yeah, it came out in 1989, Mr. Hipster...Soooo...any ideas for a different rehearsal song?

James: (pause) "Woo-oh! Half-way there! Woo-oh! Livin' on a prayer!"

Me: Good luck with that....

Play Time

James: I can see you, Dad.

Me: Peek-a-boo!

James: Oh, yeah. Surprise. You were hiding behind your hands. Awesome hiding spot. Next time, why don't you just put a blanket over your head? I'm sure I'd never find you then...Oh, really? You're going back to the hand thing? Oh, okay, "Where's Daddy?"

Me: Peek-a-boo!

James: Seriously, just stop. You're just embarrassing yourself now....And here we go again.

Me: Peek-a-boo!

James: (Staring blankly at me) There's no way that I’m related to you.

Me: Well, you used to love it. You used to crack up for hours.

James: Well, I used to like sucking on my fingers, liquified food, and shows where puppets talk and sing...But, we all grow up someday.

Me: So what do you want to do, then?

James: How about you just give me a milk cup, a banana, and let me sit here with my old friends the Backyardigans while I thumb through this book of barnyard animals and work something out in my pants.

Quiet Time

Me: Hey, buddy, whacha doing?

James: Shhh!

Me: Don't shush me. I just came in here to find out what-

James: Shhh!

Me: What is it that's so important that you have to be so rude?

James: You always do that. You wait until the very end of my show to come in and interrupt. Do I do that to you?

Me: Well, actually...

James: Is it too much to ask that you at least come in and see what I’m watching and how much time is left before you just start yapping away like a howler monkey. I mean - Oh! See! Now I’ll never know what happened! You got me so worked up and distracted that I missed the ending!

Me: It's not a big deal. We can rewind the cable box so you can see it. Not like its a surprise, anyway. The little Hispanic girl and the monkey get the ball back from the masked fox and make it to the carnival in time for the parade. Then they sing and dance and everyone is happy.

James: (putting hands over ears) LALALALALALA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Me: I’m just saying.

James: Hey, Dad, I saw that you recorded Citizen Kane. Rosebud... It’s a sled....I’m just saying...

Me: Someone needs a nap

Cell Phones!

James: I can't believe this!

Me: What's going on, buddy?

James: I have about had it with this cell phone provider!

Me: What kind of complaint could a two year old have about a mobile phone plan?

James: Well, first of all, they advertise 4G in this town, but I only get Edge Coverage. Secondly, this phone they sold me is complete rubbish! I can't watch YouTube, get on Facebook, or even make bloody call! I tried talking to customer service, but they act like they can't understand me. Really? YOU can't understand ME? I mean, I understand a competitive world market and all, but at least have the common courtesy to learn the language of the country from which you are stealing jobs!

Me: Okay, calm down. I don't think they can understand you because you're a baby. And did you really think that you were actually going to get 4G in Paola? Did you read the coverage chart? And lastly, the phone doesn't work because its plastic and has a sticker of Lightening McQueen on the screen...

James: (Pause) Well, don't you feel all high and mighty, Mr. Smarty-pants? I got something for you to show you how much I appreciate your heavy sarcasm. It’s in my diaper. It starts with "p" and ends with "oop."